Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
