In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize