my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Barsexuality is the new black.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
