As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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