Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
