if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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