no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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