Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
