dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
