I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
