Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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