i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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