just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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