I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
