he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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