I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
