Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
