he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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