Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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