also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
