There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
