hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
