I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize