omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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