I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
