One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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