Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
