On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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