i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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