I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize