i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
