I'm sorry my penis didn't work
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Randomize
