Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
