Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
