Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
