I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
