im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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