We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
