i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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