When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dear god my vagina.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
