Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
