I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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