I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
