I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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