That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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