i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
a search helicopter?!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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