I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
