Your face is a jimmy john
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
