i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
