I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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