I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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