hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm like, not good at living.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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