Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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