you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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