this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
