allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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