So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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