You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize