im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
