hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
