Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
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