apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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