I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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