sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
